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The end of divorce

November 23, 2012

A man said sadly one day that he just got a divorce—“we vow to live together for the rest of our lives. Now we don’t want to live together anymore.”

Divorce is the result of marriage’s failure. To end it, the law of marriage should be changed. Marriage certificate should require renewing the same way as driver license, such as every three years.

I believe that when people make a decision to marry someone, they think that they will marry only once in their lives and last forever. This is because the marriage certificate is never expired which makes people think that their marriage would also be the same. And that is the beginning of all the problems.

Some celebrities and wealthy couples spend millions of dollars for a very short term of their marriages—as you can hear from the news. They may think that they will marry only once in their lives, so why don’t they spend extremely money for the special event. However, if they know that their marriage certificates need to be renewed in every three years and their spouse has the right to choose not renewing it, they would think twice before spending a big money on the possibility-to-happen of the only-three-year marriage.

In another case—your wife has planned for a long time to end marriage but she has never said a word about it. One day, without any sign, she sends you a divorce paper. Whenever you receive the divorce paper, it means that there is no talking point. You have no time to prepare for a new life.

However, if the marriage certificate expires every three years, you would ask your wife before time (maybe six months prior) that will she want to continue the marriage? If not, you may ask her—why? Is there anything she doesn’t like about you in the past three years so that you can change yourself to be a better husband? By talking together, you may be able to convince her to change her mind. However, in case if she still really wants to end the marriage, at least it gives you a little time to pack your suitcase and find a new place to live as a single man.

Another story happened long time ago. A woman owned a restaurant. She hired a young Mexican man who was about the same age of her son to work as a dishwasher. As she was lonely as living without a husband for a long time, she simply felt in love with the Mexican man then finally she decided to marry him. For an older woman married a much younger man, her marriage supposed to be wonderful. Her young husband was also happy to marry her because it gave him a chance to get a green card and a quick way to become a restaurant owner—then he would realize 'America is really the land of opportunity’.

However, she had one big problem—she was addicted to gamble. Every time she went to casino in Connecticut, she will stay there for a week. Sometimes she gambled until she ran out of cash; she didn’t have even five bucks to fill gas to her car to drive home. Many times she had to sell her belongings such as necklace or ring for cash to buy gas. Once she played gambling nonstop for many days without eating and sleeping until she collapsed; the casino had to call ambulance for her.

One day, her close friend, who was the same her age, called her from her home country asking for help, finding a job and a place to live in America. With kind, she invited her friend to live with her in the same apartment. When she wasn’t home, sex orgy happened in her apartment between her young cub and close friend. Who would care of the friendship—her friend came to America to look for an opportunity in life. The young husband, after get a green card, thought that he worked hard everyday but it wasn’t fair that his hard work had to pay for her gamble. Then he decided to walk out her apartment with his wife’s close friend to open another restaurant.

Years later, she found a new love—a man in her age (who, was like her young ex-husband, also looked for an opportunity in life). However, the problem was that she was unable to marry him because she didn’t yet file for a divorce with her ex-husband. She yelled angrily one day in her restaurant that her ex-husband had been disappeared for a long time so she couldn’t find him to sign the divorce paper. All her employees and people in her community knew, but had to keep their mouths shut, that actually she really knew that her ex-husband opened a restaurant nearby with her close friend.

Do you still want to connect with your ex after divorce? She must still be angry and embarrassed to go to talk with her ex about the divorce. It will hurt you real bad, believe me, if you have to look at each other again after divorce. If the marriage certificate can be expired, she will be able to remarry a new guy immediately without contacting her ex-husband.

Another case—years ago, there was a big news (a romantic story turned into a nasty story in a Hollywood movie). A man lied to a woman that he was a young generation Rockefeller. (If any woman wants to marry a man because he is so wealthy, I don’t see anything wrong with that because if I am her, I would do the same but for a man lies about his financial status to lure her to marry him is a crime.)

Sometimes it’s hard to know the person you want to marry with and all the stories that person tells you are true, unless you have to marry to that person. Making a wrong choice can easily happen to everyone when s/he is inexperience in marriage. The romance and happiness in love and incentives lure you in the marriage easily but to get out of the marriage is so difficult. I often hear many married men often compare their marriages like going to prison—if it is like that, law of marriage tries to lock you up for life. I watched the movie and I felt that the fake Rockefeller’s wife felt very embarrassed when she had to talk about her husband’s bad stories in front of the lawyers and other people. Her husband also demanded a big money in order to divorce.

I believe that people, especially celebrities, really want to get out of their marriage quietly. They don’t want to throw nasty stories to each other to embarrass themselves but the law is so tough. So, sometimes they have to do that in order to get a divorce. If the marriage certificate can be expired, the fake Rockefeller’s wife would wait until the certificate expires then sneaks out the relationship.

I believe that there are many couples know since the first few years (or earlier) of their marriages that their spouse is not the right match but they hesitate to divorce so they have to put up with it. They continue living together for long period of time such as ten or twenty years until their marriage reaches the ending point.

If you choose not to renew the marriage license since the first three years of marriage, you don’t have to fight each other so much because the properties/incomes you have earned within just three years can be easily divided. Moreover, the relationship doesn’t build up very far. Both you and your wife are still young and easy to find another person to marry with to start a new life.

However, if you have to put up, living together for many decades until you (or you wife) can’t continue living together any longer, to divide what you have earned for all your life must require to do tough and nasty fight (don’t use a calculator to do simple math divided everything by two because the numbers never come up right). That’s why a man told me that he used to have a house, then he loses the house; he used to have a car then he loses his car. You have taken time twenty or thirty years build your life up almost reach the peak point, then unfortunately you have to free fall, flat on the ground. The most terrible thing is both are much older so they have a very hard time to find someone to marry with. To start a new life at this time isn’t easy as if you decide to walk out from the marriage since the first three years.

Financial stability plays a big role in marriage. When a couple is still making good money, they love each other so much. When they end up financial trouble, they begin to fight each other—how they are going to pay for this or for that.

The new marriage license which requires to be renewed may not be appropriate to use in the past when men and women don’t have equal rights in society. If a husband leaves his wife, the question is—who is going to feed her when she can’t earn income. However, for this generation, both men and women have equal opportunity to get a job and women will get equal pay as men in the future. Many women even make more incomes today than their husbands; for some family, the question should be changed to such as ‘if a wife leaves her family, who is going to feed her husband’.

If an actor marries an actress, at the beginning of their marriage the actor makes 50 million dollars / year, his wife makes only one million dollars. We have a long culture which is instilled in people’s head that men don’t mind to marry a poor girl. Next ten years, the situation changes—the actor loses the popularity, now he earns only one hundred thousands, while his wife gains more popularity rapidly so now she makes 70 millions dollars. She begins to worry that if one day they are divorced, he would make a big money from her (to pay for a younger girl)—so she may choose to divorce (while it isn't necessary but only to protect her benefits). After she files for a divorce, they can’t live together anymore because the divorce is a way to end the marriage in an aggressive way. However, to let the marriage license expires itself is to sneak out the relationship politely.

If the marriage license can be expired, the actress may pretend to forget the expiration date and continue living together as he is still her good friend. After the license expires, she doesn’t need to share the properties with her husband. One day when she gets older, in and out hospital, she may need help from her husband in helping her taking care of her business/properties, hospital visits and signing some papers then they can renew the marriage license again. In this case, you choose to renew the license only when it is necessary.

Moreover, when you have been in the marriage for a while, you don’t enjoy having sex together anymore. When the license expires, you may let each other have a chance to see somebody else without feeling bad in cheating. One day, who know—you may come back to see each other again—she still has no one for long term relationship and you also have no one. Moreover, it must be better than that—after a long sexual adventures for years from one apartment to another, from one house to another house, now you know that your wife is the best, so you can come back and ask her to renew the license again. The expiration of marriage certificate gives you a break. It would be rather than continue living together boringly. The longer you live together, the more you are suffered and depressed, like having a cancer slowly growing up everyday. Taking a break in the marriage is to refresh your life to heal the rutty marriage.

A man told me unhappily one day that he had to pay for child supports. He had four kids from different women. I asked him—“if you don’t want to pay, why do you have so many kids? You are still young…”

When you are married, you expect that your marriage will last forever so you and your wife will help each other taking care of kids and therefore you rush to have kids—that is the problem. If you know that marriage certificate will end every three years, you may think twice before having a kid.

If you ask people, why they have to marry, (besides having someone to have sex with) they would tell you that they want to have kids. The marriage certificate should have a question such as ‘who will take custody if they have a child?—mother, father or both. Or it can add more details such as who will take custody the first child, and who will take custody the second child, … The person who takes custody a child can be changed every time they renew the license. As people know that they get marry to have kids, why don’t they plan before marry about the custody of their children in case they are divorced. It should be better than having a nasty fight for custody and unaccepted paying for child supports at the end of their marriage which doesn’t make any sense at all.

Another case which often causes many people to get a divorce is that they change themselves overtime to be a different person.

I heard one day a group of married women said that they didn’t need to dress sexy like single women or like when they were teens anymore because they already have a husband—means that dressing sexy is to lure a man to marry. This is completely wrong—to lure a single man to marry isn’t as difficult as to hold him longer in the marriage because women would never forget that they still have to compete with mistresses.

When a man marries a woman, he wants her to look exactly the same forever. However, many men and women change themselves very much after years of marriage such as gaining weight, giving up on sex, less romantic etc. Look at supermodels, Hollywood stars, sex workers, mistresses etc., they still maintain their appearances even though they are older ages. This is because they use their beauty for works. In the same way, if marriage certificate will end every three years, married couples will still have to maintain their appearances in order to help their spouses making a decision easier to renew the license. Or if your spouse doesn’t want to renew the license, you still need to maintain your looks in hooking up a new partner.

Besides the change of appearances, the change of behavior can cause a divorce. One of my friends says that his father gets drunk every night and beats his mother; he sees her cries every night. When they are just married, his father has good behavior, less drinking. When he gets older, no one in the family knows what reason why he becomes alcoholic.

Besides these cases, there still are other changes of your partner such as your husband is used to be a handsome man, later he wants to be a beautiful woman, etc.

You may argue that before making a decision to marry, a couple can try to live together first. However, when they live together as boyfriend/girlfriend, they don’t tell everything about them to their partners but try to be nice to each other to lure their boyfriend/girlfriend to marry. After marriage is a big different story; you expect to see a major change from your spouse. The change of your spouse can be disaster to your life but law involved in getting a divorce is tough. Some people are very stressful when they have to marry like ‘runaway bride’, when she thinks that her life will be changed forever, good or bad she doesn't know. If the license can be expired every three year, she doesn’t need to runaway. First three years, you may think like it is the time to get to know the truth of your partner—is s/he really the person who s/he said s/he is? The second renew you do when you really know what the marriage is about and you fully understand that your spouse is really who s/he said s/he is.

The final reason (perhaps it is the biggest reason you want to get out of marriage), as descripted in my book—The Psychological & Social Barriers Behind the Sexual Secrets of Straight Men -- you are sexually attractive to another different gender.

A man tells me one day that he is very-very happy when he gets a divorce (because now he knows that he enjoys having sex with another gender.) You used to enjoy having sex with women all the time when you are a young man. However, when you get older, you (accidentally) discover that women don’t make you feel excited anymore but other genders do. Women may claim that this is unfair for them—when married men don’t enjoy having sex with women, they just leave. However, this is fair to both straight men and women because the sexual attraction to other genders after years of marriage can equally happen to both straight men and women. Perhaps, it may happen to women more than men. I used to ask a female escort; she says that many married women also hire female escorts, just like married men hire transgender escorts.

If I ask you—“why do you stop eating baby food? You used to enjoy eating baby food when you are baby. Ask your mother, she must still have evidences to show you—photos taken when you are baby, sitting on a high chair with mouthful of baby food. Go back to see the photos and think about it. Go back to eat baby food again. Can you do that?”

You may say that ‘yes, you can go back to eat baby food. But you don’t enjoy eating it anymore. Now, you change your interest about the taste of your food.’ Sexual interest also isn’t much different. The law of marriage should be adjusted appropriate for people’s new ideas and lifestyles that happen in this generation. The traditional marriage certificate, with no expiration date, is really like a life in prison for this generation. The change in sexual attraction to another different gender(s) is created by nature; it isn’t anyone’s fault. Therefore, the law of marriage should be flexibility for people to reselect a new partner appropriate to the change of their sexual taste/interest. People should not be punished by the divorce title and nasty fight just because they want to end the marriage which it can be a kind of public humiliation.

For people who are lucky to marring the right person and making a good family may ask ‘why do they have to renew their license every three years?’

If you are still happy in the marriage, that’s good for you. To renew the license is so easy; it doesn’t take much time. Or you can choose to mail in a form which the form can be easily downloaded from the internet. Or like renewing a driver license, before marriage license expires, Government will remind you by mailing you a form to sign and they can also collect fees.

For women -- if you have a beautiful wedding gown, why keep it in the closet for long? Don’t you want to wear it again every three years? Think about how happy you are on your wedding party, like you are a princess—don’t you want that moment return every three years?

Another reason that people want to end their marriage is because there is nothing new in the marriage, only feel boring and boring everyday. Think like you grow a plant and it almost dies, then every three years you fertilize and water to refresh your marriage life. Even though, you may now be a grandparent, you can set a wedding party every three years to show off a long collection of your marriage certificates to your grandkids.

For me—if you love someone, why you have to care about the paper? If you want to live together, you live together. When you don’t love each other anymore, you can leave anytime—I like this idea; it’s simple and modern.

I don’t believe in marriage. I don’t believe that when you decide to marry someone, that person is the person who you love the most. You may love somebody else but many things bar you from getting marry so you have to decide to look for another possible choice. Even though, you are now married, the person you love the most still exists everyday in your heart—and this is also a kind of marriage infidelity. Do not marry someone who is not the one in your heart.

© 2012, by ½ Lady Lisa. All Rights Reserved.